Scan Medical Insurance

Excerpt. I need opinions, advice, and critique. ?

This is a short excerpt from my (crossing fingers in hope) soon to be novel/trilogy. Read it, and give your opinions and advice, please. The school bell rang out with the usual annoying three dings, signaling the last class of the day. The one that I looked forward to the least, Athletics. I was never a good with physical exercise, seeing as it always ended up with people looking at me funny like I was on steroids or something. Usually, the very thought of it gave me the creeps, but this time, I felt that there was something else. I felt it to my bones, that stupid gut feeling. Maybe Jake was home sick today? Aw, my poor baby. I pushed through the student filled hallway making my way to my locker following my daily routine of rush, rush get it all done. When I finally arrived in 'C' hall I was greeted with the most beautiful sight on the planet, Jake Walker, my boyfriend of two perfect months, and the sinking knowledge that my gut feeling still lingered. Every time I see him butterflies still invade my stomach, how I hooked him, I still don't know. I waved to him, but he didn’t notice me. I guess he couldn't see me over the crowd of tall rambunctious senior boys. An unusual shiver ran down my spine. Serenity, I don’t see what you’re so worked up about, your fine. I reassured myself. My mind kept wandering while trying to busy it as I was making my way to him, Ugh, it’s the same everywhere! High Schools are full of hundred immature guys, they come from every crevice as if they had the ability to reproduce themselves… kind of like cockroaches. When I finally shoved passed the immature boys I scanned the hallway full of anticipation, but there was no sign of him. Where did he go? I kept scanning to find Jake with his back toward me and leaning against a locker. I hurried to him, hoping to catch him before the bell rang. I glanced at the wall clock on the way to greet him. What is he doing? It’s a minute before the bell, why hasn’t he gone to class yet? I glanced around the hallway, It was almost empty, even most of the seniors had gone to class, As I got closer I grew unusually suspicious, I picked up speed as if my feet were connected to my racing thoughts. He acts as if he’s totally forgotten me. I then noticed something that hurt me like a dozen daggers slashing open my body, No, no, no. This couldn‘t be happening! He was kissing her, he was kissing Ashley! My best friend since the first day that I arrived at K.M.S. High, and now, the reason for my tremendous pain and agony. I fell against the lockers all of a sudden light headed, my heart was racing, drops of cold sweat were beading up on my forehead. I closed my eyes at a loss of what to do, frozen in despair. A hand fell onto my shoulder, I ducked my head so the owner didn’t see my angry tear-filled eyes and probable flushed cheeks. “Are you ok baby?” It was Jake, the bastard who just broke me into a thousand pieces and the blonde hair, blue-eyed boy that I once was head over heels for, “No, I’m not ok!” He shook his head in denial. “It wasn’t my fault, she came onto me!” “Oh yeah, and you just had to kiss her back.” I looked down at the floor and with the strength and anger that I had never known I reached up and clocked him in the mouth. He fell to the floor clutching his jaw. “You fucking bitch!” I stared at him wriggling on the floor in pain with my hand cupped over my mouth in shock and partial remorse. Oh my gosh! What did I just do? Oh Geez….I’m going to be in so much trouble! When I finally arrived in Speech, Mr. Gregg was waiting for me with the principle, Mrs. Kelly. I already had a pretty good idea what Mrs. Kelly was there for, “Serenity Harlan, come with me please.” I stared to the floor, letting my long brunette bangs fall in front of my face in an attempt to hide from the snickering of classmates coming from behind me as I exited the room. We walked silently through the maze of echoing hallways until we finally reached her office. She opened the big door that I had never been on the other side of, not in any of my schools, and beckoned me in. I walked into the unwelcoming cold room . “Sit.” I obeyed as she rounded her desk, “I saw what you did earlier on the surveillance camera.” I nodded knowing that I was in deep this time. “You are not a bad student, Serenity, especially when you look at your history. You have been shipped from foster home to foster home since you were three years old and have never had an office visit or even a bad mark. That makes me want to ask, what set you off?” I cringed thinking about the answer to that question as tears once again filled my eyes, “I thought you saw the tape, He cheated on me.” “You broke his jaw.” She replied calmly I stared at the floor feeling guilty, I hate violence and I hate, hate, but this seemed like it could be excused for justice. I mean, come on, that jerk cheated on me, right? “Serenity, I’m going to have to suspend you. I really don’t want th this one stunt to dirty your clean slate, but I have to, no matter how much he might or might not have deserved it. We called your foster parents, you need to go get your stuff. Clear your head, and come back next week with a smile.” I nodded with a teary eyed frown. How could she do this, after what he did to me? “Oh, and Serenity, don’t EVER do that again, next time I won’t be this forgiving. Do you understand me?” I nodded once again, making my exit.

Public Comments

1. Far more natural and believable than most of the crap I encounter on here. Still an extremely typical, generic sounding "teenage angst" deal (so far at least).
2. Ditto what Meta said.
3. You have improved a lot. There are now two parts the first one is better than the second. I would not have put the word immature. It's a judgment, and in general readers don't like direct polemic. They like the idea that they are intelligent enough to see what you mean. Imagine, an immature boy read what you wrote. At the word immature he'll close the book and never come back. But if you lead him to form the word by himself, he won't identify to immature boy, but to a clever one and he'll follow you till the end. "That's authors and women tricks in general, don't you think?" See how Sydney White and the seven Dork is done so that what is considered as the good accepted image is reversed to give room for what is not generally accepted. Words, words, words, are only like paint to show a tiny part of the reality and leave the reader to construct the whole scene in his/her mind.